Anti-Pudding League, incorporating the Society for the Suppression of Puppies and Kittens

Communiqué #19

2005-06-03T12:25:00.000+01:00

Comrades! The sale of our secret underground headquarters complex has been finalised, and the move to an above-ground headquarters in Cheltenham is imminent. This is a forward step for our great movement, and was democratically agreed by an overwhelming majority of our loyal cadres.

Not only is the new headquarters ant-free, but we are in a much better position to monitor the activity of the establishment listening-post, GCHQ, which is also based in Cheltenham. Our many deep cover double-agents in the kittenite oppressor's nerve-centre can now pop in for a savoury snack at lunchtime, so our power to strike will be enhanced over a tasty meal.

A further advantage is that we no longer have facilities in-house for publishing our periodicals of revolutionary news and recipes. For this, we will now rely on kitten-controlled commercial operations, turning the expensive, high-tech facilities of the oppressors against them.

Once our new HQ is operational, the great day will be at hand! Extremists, rejoice!

Theory Corner #3

2005-05-28T20:00:00.000+01:00

Leo Strauss suggested that almost all published political philosophy was written on two levels, an exoteric one providing a 'safe' reading, and an esoteric one, where the explosive, society-threatening truths were concealed from all but 'those who know'. Nowhere is this more true than in the work of the radical nineteenth-century philosopher, Edward Lear. One of his most popular (and certainly most subversive) works is 'The Pobble Who Has No Toes'. Following Adorno, we present an immanent critique of this fiery indictment of the pudding-mediated kittenite distopia in which Lear worked, and which is, if anything, even more relevant to our own time.

The Pobble Who Has No Toes

Even the title is telling - not 'who had no toes', but who has no toes. A clear indication that the Pobble is an allegorical figure, standing for a type; a type which will persist unless the masses of humanity attain consciousness of their 'toe-less' condition and the reason for that condition.

The Pobble who has no toes
Had once as many as we;

The Pobble is introduced as an 'everyman', and the dark, brooding tone of the whole poem is created at the outset by the introduction of the concept of loss.

When they said, 'Some day you may lose them all;'--
He replied, -- 'Fish fiddle de-dee!'

The Pobble's seemingly carefree attitude in fact warns us that the masses cannot become a self-liberating force without theorising their condition.
But his response, at a deep level, is far from nonsensical - the hidden mechanism of the Pobble's oppression is (unconsciously) anticipated by the word 'fish'.

And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink,
Lavender water tinged with pink,

The immediate oppressor-figure is introduced as a coercive agent - prescribing a futile 'diet' (i.e. political programme) without the possibility of democratic input from the Pobble.

For she said, 'The World in general knows
There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes!'

The appeal to the ruling ideology is (of course) not on the basis of reason, but as a belief 'the World in general knows' - but the 'World' is the ideological world-view of the established order. Of course, this is presented as being in the Pobble's own interest.

The Pobble who has no toes,
Swam across the Bristol Channel;

Despairing of the slow land route around the Severn Estuary, the Pobble wishes naively to proceed in a straight line to his goal. Of course, without working for the emergence of class-consciousness among the oppressed Pobbles (the land route), individual leaps can only be counter-productive. The Pobble, without rigorous theory, ignores this truth, and his fate is sealed.

But before he set out he wrapped his nose,
In a piece of scarlet flannel.
For his Aunt Jobiska said, 'No harm
'Can come to his toes if his nose is warm;
'And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes
'Are safe, -- provided he minds his nose.'

Still posing as the Pobble's friend, the oppressor places strictures even on his doomed attempt at self-liberation. The theme that the oppressor will always offer the most contrary advice in any situation is shown by her attention to precisely the opposite end of the Pobble's body from the direction in which the attack will come.

The Pobble swam fast and well
And when boats or ships came near him
He tinkedly-binkledy-winkled a bell
So that all the world could hear him.

The poem is about to reach a nadir of bleak despair, and to heighten the reader's sympathy, Lear here emphasises the Pobble's strength, skill, honesty and justifiable pride in his emancipatory quest.

And all the Sailors and Admirals cried,
When they saw him nearing the further side,--
'He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's
'Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers!'

The futility of the Pobble's misguided but revolutionary aim is doubly mocked here - we already know he will never reach the other side, and by his premature action, the sailors - his class allies - are brought into alignment with the functionaries of oppression - Admirals and Aunts, and their reactionary ideology. The mask has finally slipped from Aunt Jobiska's initially puzzling 'co-operation' with his project - she hopes to gain fish from the Pobble's wish for liberty, in order to ingratiate herself with the ultimate source of his misery - needless to say, a kitten.
This is possibly the darkest moment in western literature.

But before he touched the shore,
The shore of the Bristol Channel,
A sea-green Porpoise carried away
His wrapper of scarlet flannel.

Edward Lear here covers his tracks - after the searing indictment of the last verse, he obfuscates the true cause of the Pobble's immiseration, and invents an obviously absurd explanation of his defeat. The sea-green porpoise appears nowhere else in the poem, and by being the same colour as (and thus indistinguishable from) the natural medium of the water, is subtly signed by Lear as a mere ruse. The porpoise is invisible, because there is no porpoise - and none is needed.

And when he came to observe his feet
Formerly garnished with toes so neat
His face at once became forlorn
On perceiving that all his toes were gone!

What, to the establishment system that Lear is subverting, is a mere 'garnish', is an integral part of the Pobble. The brutality of Aunt Jobiska's greed is made plain. The totality of his defeat is clear from the loss of all ten toes.

And nobody ever knew
From that dark day to the present,
Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes,
In a manner so far from pleasant.
Whether the shrimps or crawfish grey,
Or crafty Mermaids stole them away --
Nobody knew; and nobody knows
How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes!

Again, Lear makes the surface reading acceptable to the establishment, while leaving the alert reader certain where the guilt lies. The understatement of the phrase 'so far from pleasant' is a dialectical condemnation of the system's inherent and maximal brutality, and the suggested agents - deliberately implausible ones - reinforce the knowledge of the culpability of the kittens for whom the system, as we have already learned, is run.

The Pobble who has no toes
Was placed in a friendly Bark,

A spark of hope relieves the otherwise unremittingly bleak mood of the poem by celebrating class solidarity of sailors and Pobbles, our hero's life is saved - but at terrible cost.

And they rowed him back, and carried him up,
To his Aunt Jobiska's Park.

The Pobble is now back at the place he started from - the oppressive Aunt's luxurious mansion, but he has suffered both defeat and mutilation.

And she made him a feast at his earnest wish
Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish;--
And she said,-- 'It's a fact the whole world knows,
'That Pobbles are happier without their toes.'

The ruling ideology, because it is a non-ideology whose only function is to perpetuate the exploitation of the masses, is infinitely flexible, and the Pobble is propagandised into deeper alienation. The very suffering that the system has imposed upon him is now hailed as a benefit to him, and he is no closer to a genuine understanding of the correct revolutionary position (quite the reverse! He has bought into the fetishisation of fish, which he nevertheless cannot obtain - clearly, his egg-and-buttercup repast has merely been prepared in a frying-pan once used for fish). Finally, the system of oppression is as solid as ever - only scapegoats such as shrimps, porpoises, and even mermaids have been introduced into the epistemic frame, and Lear leaves us with the knowledge that the Pobble's subjugated condition has been profoundly reinforced.

The poem, dismissed by the establishment as nonsense, is in fact an important warning for all revolutionaries.

Revolutionary Praxis #6

2005-05-27T16:00:00.000+01:00

Comrades! Ex-comrades! Quasi-comrades! Our mighty movement, although destined for historic victory, has yet to decisively overthrow the oppressors. In part, this is due to the sectarian nature of many of the other groups who purport to share our savoury ideology. In part, it is due to our rigorous and unsparing commitment, which is undeniably off-putting to some wavering dilettantes. The effect, however, is to strengthen the forces of kittenite reaction, and to divide our own. Therefore, the Central Committee of the APL/SSPK has voted (7 votes to 6, 5 abstentions) to issue a call for unity.

Join forces with us! We will overlook your weaknesses and idiosyncracies (providing that they are not objectively counter-revolutionary, obviously). We will hammer out a common ideological line in open debate, correcting your faulty reasoning, and helping you discard whatever shibboleths prevent your wholehearted participation in our glorious movement. (NB - we reject the possibility of co-operation with the dastardly Richard and his pair of unscrupulous henchpeople. Their kitten-neutral agenda is at odds with the interests of the masses).

Comrades! March with us under the banner of the APL/SSPK, for the greater good of humanity. Unity! (And courage!)

Communiqué #18

2005-05-24T20:45:00.000+01:00

Comrades! The Central Committee has discovered an invaluable fact about tomatoes, and how to judge their quality before buying them. Our savoury research laboratories work night and day for the glorious cause!

If the tomatoes are flavoursome, the dried green leafy bit at the top will smell pungent and spiky. If it does not smell like this, the tomatoes are not that tasty. (The smell of dry tomato leaves is the Central Committee's favourite smell, by 12 votes to 5, 1 abstention). Does anyone know if you can use tomato leaves as a herb?

The most revolutionary dishes require the tastiest tomatoes! Courage!

Operational Order #5

2005-05-19T23:36:00.000+01:00

Comrades! A mortar and pestle is essential for any revolutionary kitchen, to crush herbs and garlic. Here are some tips regarding mortars and pestles.
The mortar (the container) should be made of a heavy material - wooden ones are too light and scoot about when you are using them, possibly spilling your herbs. The surface should be rough, not smooth, for easier grinding. Unglazed ceramic is the best in terms of weight and surface texture.
Add salt to the dry herbs in the mortar when grinding. It helps by providing sharp grains in among the herbs. Use your mortar and pestle for garlic, too. Those garlic presses are irritating to wash up.
Our day is at hand!

Revolutionary Praxis #5

2005-05-18T11:55:00.000+01:00

Comrades! The place of revolutionary theory in the movement as a whole is a vital one.

The fact that certain comrades have chosen to carry on the struggle by means of abstract, and to some, unintelligible theorisation, cannot be read as a criticism of the day-to-day work of the more pragmatic and effective activists. As the engagement with the sugar-saturated masses intensifies, we respond with the most appropriate revolutionary tactics, and this may appear to conflict with theoretical positions dreamed up in other contexts.

No such conflict exists! The Central Committee is unanimous. Courage! And loyalty!

Theory Cornner #2

2005-05-17T00:05:00.000+01:00

What is a recipe, today? I shall give at the outset a first, very simple answer, which is perfectly consistent with etymology: a recipe is a type of speech.

Of course, it is not any type: language needs special conditions in order to become a recipe: we shall see them in a minute. But what must be firmly established at the start is that recipes form a system of communication. This allows one to perceive that a recipe cannot possibly be an object, a concept, or an idea; it is a mode of signification, a form. Later, we shall have to assign to this form historical limits, conditions of use, and reintroduce society into it: we must nevertheless first describe it as a form.

Recipes are not defined by the object of their message, but by the way in which they utter this message: there are formal limits to recipes, there are no 'substantial' ones. Everything, then, can be a recipe? Yes, I believe this, for the universe is infinitely fertile in suggestions. Every object in the world can pass from a closed, silent existence to an oral state, open to appropriation by society, for there is no law, whether natural or not, which forbids talking about things. A tree is a tree.

Naturally, everything is not expressed at the same time: some objects become the prey of recipical speech for a while, then they disappear, others take their place and attain the status of recipe. Are there objects which are inevitably a source of suggestiveness, as Baudelaire suggested about Woman? Certainly not: one can conceive of very ancient recipes, but there are no eternal ones; for it is human history which converts reality into speech, and it alone rules the life and the death of recipical language. Ancient or not, recipology can only have an historical foundation, for a recipe is a type of speech chosen by history: it cannot possibly evolve from the 'nature' of things.

Recipical speech is made of a material which has already been worked on so as to make it suitable for communication: it is because all the materials of recipe (whether pictorial or written) presuppose a signifying consciousness, that one can reason about them while discounting their substance. This substance is not unimportant: pictures, to be sure, are more imperative than writing, they impose meaning at one stroke, without analyzing or diluting it. But this is no longer a constitutive difference. Pictures become a kind of writing as soon as they are meaningful.

This does not mean that one must treat recipes like language; recipes in fact belong to the province of a general science, coextensive with linguistics, which is semiology.

Communiqué #17

2005-05-16T11:00:00.000+01:00

Revolutionaries! Richard's micro-sect, the Savoury Nutrition Commando Brigade has evidently copied part of the mailing list of our many loyal cadres, and has sent a bitter, whiny email exhorting them to join his ludicrous group. We will not even dignify this pathetic missive with the savoury name of 'spam'.

The minimalist, pinched manifesto contained in the email had clearly been 'democratically' composed solely by Richard, highlighting the many bees in his bonnet which have not yet been caught and eaten. It made no reference to kittens or puppies, and, ridiculously, finished with a recipe for his much-vaunted but little-eaten Black Beetle Bake. Having been expelled from our ideologically committed movement, a swing towards populism was to be expected, but it appears that Richard cannot even get that right.

Richard! Your silly groupuscule would grow a lot faster if you enrolled the beetles, rather than eating them! We confidently predict that the SNCB will remain less than the sum of its pratts.

Steadfastness! And loyalty!

Revolutionary Praxis #4

2005-05-15T00:05:00.000+01:00

Comrades! The ants in our headquarters are becoming increasingly cunning. Now that our foodstuffs are stored in plastic containers, they are less visible. But they are still there! They somehow managed to infiltrate a packet of Mini Cheddars, of which the Central Committee consumed half before noticing the interlopers.

There are lessons to learn from this, comrades! Firstly, the steely determination of the ants in raiding our savouries, shows clearly that our savoury revolutionary agitprop is even affecting these small insects, through their close (but unwelcome) association with our cause.

Secondly, the duplicity of these tiny foes in striking at a cheese-flavoured target, despite their dislike of real cheese, shows that we must take nothing for granted, and be on the alert for counter-revolutionary activity from unexpected directions.

Vigilance!

Communiqué #16

2005-05-14T00:10:00.000+01:00

Citizens of the world! You may believe, wrongly, that the existing order is too powerful and well-entrenched to be overthrown, even by the most determined revolutionaries. Quite the opposite is true!

The current oppressive system is like a giant meringue. It appears solid and hard, but it is hollow! Its structure is brittle, and it has almost no mass! The masses are rallying to us.

Come the glorious day, the exploitative meringue of centuries will be shattered into a million pieces, which we will sweep away! We will then dispose of the pieces ruthlessly, to prevent the ants of counter-revolution taking the sugary remnants of the old order back to their nest to nourish opposition to our savoury new world.

Courage!

Communiqué #15

2005-05-13T00:10:00.000+01:00

Citizens of the world! The increasing threat that the APL/SSPK poses to the existing order is demonstrated by the frantic black propaganda being put out by the kittenite establishment. Ignore them!

For the nth time, we re-iterate that the allegations of illicit trading in sunflower oil are merely a fabrication designed to thrust a dagger into the heart of the revolutionary leadership. At no time has any member of the Central Committee bought, sold, or rubbed themselves (or others) with sunflower oil (or any other cooking oil, embargoed or not). Whether any of the influential people who secretly support us, and have donated to our cause, have any involvement in the sunflower oil industry is of no concern or relevance to us. Loyalty! The Central Committee is imponderably wise! Courage!

Repeating the palpably false charges put about by our foes will only serve to allow us to set one element of the System against another, through wily use of the libel courts. You have been warned!

Rely on this website alone for the truth about the global kitten conspiracy! Our foes' imminent collapse is imminent! Our time is at hand! We are extremists!

Communiqué #14

2005-05-12T12:15:00.000+01:00

Excellent news, Comrades! Because of the fantastic growth of our movement over the last few years, we are now in a position to take on a full-time political theoretician. Courage! (And a dictionary!)

Welcome aboard, egghead Comrade Dee Turner!

Test #1

2005-05-12T09:21:00.000+01:00

Test message! Please ignore! Courage!

Theory Corner #1

2005-05-12T00:10:00.000+01:00

In societies dominated by modern conditions of production, life is presented as an immense accumulation of recipes. Everything that was directly lived has receded into a cookery book.

The puddings detached from every aspect of life merge into a common stream in which the unity of that life can no longer be recovered. Fragmented views of reality regroup themselves into a new unity as a separate pseudo-world that can only be sniffed. The specialisation of puddings of the world evolves into a world of autonomized puddings where even the deceivers are deceived. The recipe is a concrete inversion of life, an autonomous movement of the non-living.

The recipe presents itself simultaneously as society itself, as a part of society, and as a means of unification. As a part of society, it is the focal point of all vision and all consciousness. But due to the very fact that this sector is separate, it is in reality the domain of delusion and false consciousness: the unification it achieves is nothing but an official language of universal separation.

The recipe is not a collection of ingredients; it is a social relation between people that is mediated by puddings.

The recipe cannot be understood as a mere visual deception produced by mass-media technologies. It is a world-view that has actually been materialized, a view of a world that has become objective.

As Comrade Yundt would say, 'Courage!'

Communiqué #13

2005-05-11T07:45:00.000+01:00

Citizens of the world! The frantic projection of normality by the kitten - puppy -pudding axis controlling the media merely shows their fear of our massing forces. The inherent contradictions of our pudding-saturated societies are bursting the veil of sugary stupor, and the masses are rallying to our revolutionary cause! Our agents are poised to direct the gravy-loving masses towards a free and savoury future.

The soporific effects of kittens and trifles are increasingly unable to dispel the malaise caused by pudding-mediated forms of social organisation. We are on the cusp of revolution! Forwards! Courage!

The Central Committee will provide communiqués to guide the desperate masses when the time comes! It is imminent! Vigilance!

Revolutionary Praxis #3

2005-05-10T12:05:00.000+01:00

Revolutionaries! Our one-time fellow traveller, ex-Comrade Treacly, has gone so far as to endorse liberal application of custard recently, as is well known. This is clearly the result of mental imbalance, and all comrades will dismiss such ill-advised vacillation as the sad product of his illness. However, before his collapse into puddingite reaction he made a different point at last summer's conference. The stance he took then appeared much more reasonable on the surface, and has seduced some less-careful comrades into an erroneous position on jams and marmalades, as the recent confusion over plum jam demonstrates. For this reason it is worth rebutting Treacly's 'July Theses' in some detail.

The main point of his rambling address was that there are great differences between jams and marmalades, and that the movement, if it is to forge links with activists in this area, should concentrate on the manufacturers of the bitterest Seville marmalade only. Needless to say, Treacly's family background is of precisely this type, and it is worth remembering that this is one of the least popular types of conserve.

This ignores the reality on the ground - for revolutionary purposes, a broad appeal to the masses is essential, and we are achieving this with our uniform approach to conserve-makers of all sorts. The argument that those primarily concerned with, say, sweet strawberry jam are precisely the least ideologically sound of our new cohorts because of an inherent sweet tooth, is simply not borne out in fact. We reject it! We have compromised none of our essential principles, and activists from our tradition and from the organised jam-makers of the Women's Institute have worked together with spectacular success.

Of course, this has been achieved without alienating the marmalade-ites, whose supposed further marginalisation by the jam makers as a result of our policy is an unsubstantiated myth. We reject this, too! Further, our approach does nothing to discourage those drawn into activism through the struggle against puppies and kittens. Once again, the policy of the Central Committee have proved to be wise and effective, and our critics have only succeeded in drawing ridicule down upon themselves.

Trust the Central Committee! Courage!

Communiqué #12

2005-05-09T00:20:00.000+01:00

Comrades! Insignificant news! Richard, the unpopular ex-member of the APL/SSPK, has set up a supposedly rival organisation, which he has foolishly called the 'Savoury Nutrition Commando Brigade'. Richard has abandoned the main struggle against kittenite hegemony, which he never understood, and it seems that he will use his pseudo-organisation as a mouthpiece to spout the usual stuff about the protein content of arthropods.

Two other members of Richard's cell of the APL/SSPK have defected to this pathetic grouplet, incomprehensibly rejecting the opportunity to shape a truly kitten-free, savoury new world with us, just in order to spend time with the deranged beetle-muncher and his personal hygiene problems. They were utterly insignificant, never having held positions of responsibility, as concerns about their ideological frailty had long ago been raised by the fanatical political officer of their cell. Our great movement is strengthened by their departure! Our savoury hour is imminent!

Communiqué #11

2005-05-08T12:10:00.000+01:00

Comrades! Many of you are aware that informal contacts between our Central Committee and the organisers of the Gerbil Jihad Group have been ongoing over the past month. The discussion was started with the hope that a useful operational alliance could be forged, based on our common recognition of the threat posed by kittens.

Unfortunately, due to the haphazard and undemocratic structure of the GJG, talks were unnecessarily protracted, but despite this we persevered for the greater good of our cause.

These discussions have been terminated, without acrimony, but without any workable agreement. The frankly dense members of the GJG's self-styled Provisional Council were unable to see the importance of the abolition of desserts - several of them even professing a liking for these abominable foodstuffs - and their views on ants, postmen, and bath salts were also ideologically flawed. Their obsession with the free provision of cardboard tubes seemed to us to be an unnecessary and foolish distraction from the goal of global revolution.

We wish them well in their impotent cyberspace fulminating, but reluctantly recognise that they can play no part in our imminent triumph. The glory of liberating humanity from the sugary, puppy-loving history of recent centuries will be ours alone! Forwards!

Operational Order #4

2005-05-07T12:10:00.000+01:00

Comrades! All good revolutionaries like soup. The Central Committee's favourite soup is pea soup (10-6, 2 abstentions).

To make (easy) pea soup, take a tin of mushy peas, and empty into a saucepan. Squash the peas with a wooden spoon until you have a smooth paste. Fill the empty tin with water, and add to the paste. Add sage, thyme, salt and pepper. Add chilli or Tabasco if you like.

Bring to the boil, while stirring. Allow it to cool a bit. Eat the soup. Feeds one big hungry revolutionary, or two small revolutionaries.

Communiqué #10

2005-05-06T06:25:00.000+01:00

People of the world! We apologise that the global insurrection promised for today has had to be postponed. It has only been delayed by a few days, however! (We think that several important letters to our section leaders got lost in the post, and we have had to send out duplicates. After we've fixed the puppies, kittens, cheesecakes, ants, and scented candles, we just might pay a visit to whoever is supposed to be running the Royal Mail. You have been warned. We know where you live - even though you clearly don't know where we live).

If anything, the postponement works to our advantage. The weather is likely to be better for a start. And our ruthlessness grows every single day. The overthrow of the old order is at hand! A savoury, fluffy-animal-free future with justice for all is coming!

Communiqué #9

2005-05-05T12:10:00.000+01:00

Excellent news, Comrades! A new East European Deli has opened in the market just round the corner from our secret underground headquarters complex.

Much of the food on sale there is extremely savoury. The Central Committee particularly recommends the pickled cucumbers, the marinated mushrooms, and the saurkraut. They do not appear to sell puddings of any kind. Although they sell plum jam, which is entirely permissible as a tasty breakfast foodstuff, when eaten with toast.

Saurkraut with grated carrot, hard boiled eggs, and black-eyed beans makes a very tasty salad. Our savoury day is at hand!

Welcome to London, Polish delicatessen!

Operational Order #3

2005-05-04T12:05:00.000+01:00

Comrades! You can save on energy bills by cooking with a 'Sabbath hay-box'. Take a cardboard box! Line it with tin-foil! When you cook a saucepan of stew or curry, bring it to the boil, then wrap it in a towel or an old fleece, and put it in the box. Close the box to keep the heat in.

The food will continue to cook, as it will stay hot for many hours! (Depending on how well you have insulated the box). You can go out and commit desperate revolutionary acts, and have a nice savoury tea waiting when you get back. The food will not burn! Your energy bills will be lower! It is also a good way to cook all those dried beans and peas that take hours and hours.

(It is called a Sabbath hay-box, because observant Jews are forbidden to cook between sundown on Friday and sundown on Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath. But they still like warm savoury food, so they cook on Friday and put it in a box. Apparently that's fine with God.)

Communiqué #8

2005-05-03T12:00:00.000+01:00

Comrades! Momentous news!

It is with heavy hearts that we report Richard's expulsion from the APL/SSPK. He has fallen into the erroneous and objectively reactionary habit of constantly raising questions of (at best) marginal relevance to our insurrectionary project - 'would Dundee cake be classified as a pudding if you poured custard over it?' or 'is lemon cheesecake with no added sugar sufficiently tart to be consumed after the savoury course?' This is the error of Revisionist Pudding-Abstractionism. (The answers are 'yes' and 'no' respectively).

His eccentric personal habits, such as advocacy of insect-based recipes, could have been overlooked. You will recall the tolerance shown to him at last year's Praesidium-Congress, as he tried to persuade us of the merits of woodlouse sauce for pasta - and no, Richard, they tasted nothing like shrimps - but Abstractionism is utterly unacceptable.

As an unfortunate consequence, he has repudiated the loan of £10 from the central finance subcommittee he had last Christmas - money he may have spent on cheesecake!. But this is of little significance. Comrades! Do not be downhearted! There will be minor setbacks, but our eventual triumph is assured!

Revolutionary Praxis #2

2005-05-02T12:05:00.000+01:00

The secret of success is surprise! Revolutionaries, restrain your urge to attack kittens or puppies (or puddings) before our co-ordinated strike is authorised by the Central Committee. We must not allow them to discover our plot before the optimum moment! (When it will be too late!) Individual acts would only serve to warn the oppressors and their media-industrial-military dupes. Patience… the day is at hand, our plans are laid!

Impatience and fanaticism are our defining characteristics, but self-discipline is the key to success! Courage! (And patience!)

Communiqué #7

2005-05-01T12:20:00.000+01:00

Revolutionaries! The Central Committee is working feverishly to co-ordinate global savoury revolution!

After the democratic decision-making process has been completed, we are unanimous! (This is why puppies and kittens fear us!)

The rumours of division at the highest levels of our Movement are lies, and only serve to show that surreptitious pudding consumption leads to mental imbalance.

This website is the only approved doctrinal and tactical organ of the APL/SSPK. Remain alert for backsliding and defeatism! Our time is at hand!

Communiqué #6

2005-04-30T12:15:00.000+01:00

Revolutionaries! Excellent news! We have identified a major centre of kittenite propaganda.

Many serious political analysts fail to correctly identify the forces operating in the sentimental and populist sectors of the media, unwittingly - or deliberately! - providing a cultural locus for pro-puppy and pro-kitten psychological manipulation.

Concealed at the centre of this web of empty signifiers, masked by an avuncular, bearded persona, lurks one of the shrewdest and most ruthless of the kittens' operatives. Hidden - in plain view! - his media tentacles stretch into state and private sectors, disseminating dehumanising agitprop to the sugar-saturated masses. Seemingly a harmless, humming, bumbling entertainer, he is in fact the lynch-pin of kittenite hegemony!

Rolf Harris! You cannot escape the penetrating dialectical analysis and vengeful fanaticism of the APL/SSPK: we are the true friends of humanity! A change is in the air! 'Can you tell what it is, yet?'

Revolutionary Praxis #1

2005-04-29T12:10:00.000+01:00

We are days away from striking at the nerve-centres of the existing order. Our revolutionaries have infiltrated many major organisations, corporations, and governments! And some charities. We have done so by following the advice given on career-tips websites. This was the most useful article we found:

"We've all seen those lists of words and phrases which we are recommended to use in a CV - words like 'achieve' and 'responsibility'. What is less common is to find a list of words and phrases that should be avoided. After years of experience and reflection, I present a list of seemingly everyday words which can give a prospective employer negative feelings about a candidate. It would only take a few moments to check your CV and remove these common offenders.

binge or binging, ordeal, inbred or inbreeding, ligature, hobbit, righteous, uncontrollable, abyss, mother-fixated, implacable, horrifying, alienated, restraining order, syphilitic, eradicate, jobbie, cannibal or cannibalism, anger-management, arterial, speedball, miasma, Venusian, Zappa, self-harm, penal, vengeance, necrotic, frenzied, insectivorous, money shot, parole, morbid, mucilage, arbitrary, Area 51, sacrificial, auto-erotic, hell-fire or brimstone, web-footed, laceration or spallation, Tolkien, compulsion, decomposed, drive-by, Aryan, sickly, conspiracy, poodle, redemption, gyrating, death wish, class consciousness, capricious, exit wound, Alpha Centauri, despairing, desensitise, sporadic, toxicity, salivate, millenarian, cathartic, Bilderberg, intransigent, connective tissue, propaganda by deed, rendition, meaningless, statute of limitation, deprogramming, Prince Albert, honour code, mutation, thetan, ketamine, heresy or heretic, membrane, exploiter, contaminant, futile, insatiable, Armageddon, coercive psychology, Klingon, visceral, bloodline, safeword, random, atavism, mortification, and atrophy."

(For the benefit of our hordes of sleepers in every part of North America - what you call a 'resumé' we call a 'CV' in Britain, short for curriculum vitae. Which is Latin).

Communiqué #5

2005-04-28T12:15:00.000+01:00

Citizens of the world! The old order is teetering on the brink of collapse. Kittens and puppies, whose vested interests have subjugated you all for centuries, are trembling in fear. (Trifles are trembling too, but that is perhaps less newsworthy, owing to their consistency).

What are the subjects that no politician has mentioned in the British election campaign? The real issues! Puddings - kittens - puppies. The high-sugar diet imposed by the kitten-controlled elite numbs and deforms the basic human drives towards truth, justice and savoury food. Puppies function to give the illusion of meaningful choice, hence the faux acrimony of the non-debate between dog-lovers and cat-lovers - a distraction that can only be seen through once the body has overcome the pernicious effects of sugar poisoning!

Your so-called leaders will not tell you the truth! They dare not! Draw your own conclusions! The masses are already rallying to our cause! We are on the eve of global savoury Revolution!

Communiqué #4

2005-04-27T20:05:00.000+01:00

We are extremists! Trifles, stewed fruit with custard, and cheesecake are anathema to us. Come the revolution, underground patisseriés will be denounced and eradicated. The hour of deliverance is approaching. Our agents have penetrated every institution of your corrupt societies!

We have a subcommittee urgently debating whether cake is a pudding. Revolutionary purists insist that, since it is sweet and can be eaten with a spoon, it must be abolished. Fanatical insurgents are arguing that it is not a dessert, since it may be eaten between the hours of 16:00 and 17:00 with only a cup of tea as accompaniment. Since the question of whether ants like carrots exploded across the blog-sphere, the issue of carrot-cake obviously came up and is posing great dialectical problems for our battle-hardened intellectuals.

The chairperson has already excluded two delegates for drawing knives, and one for drawing a spoon. The debate is fiercely contested, in the great tradition of revolutionary-theoretical dialectic. This is the key political issue of the day!

A definitive communiqué is imminent. Insurgents, await the verdict of the subcommittee appointed to arbitrate on this matter by the Central Committee!

Communiqué #3

2005-04-26T20:10:00.000+01:00

Secret Services of the corrupt governments! Your attempts to infiltrate our network of activist cells continually meet with failure!

Your most hard-bitten agents, confronted by the first of our loyalty tests - the infamous 'three-month-old-Labrador-and-black-forest-gateau method' - invariably burst into tears. Our fanaticism is quite alarming, and we root out impostors with ease!

We will triumph, through ruthless determination and all-consuming devotion to our cause! We are everywhere! We are poised to simultaneously take power in every country! By sending infiltrators, you merely condemn your elite agents to a terrible end! Our fanaticism knows no bounds!

Operational Order #2

2005-04-25T20:15:00.000+01:00

Comrades! Terrible news!

The ants which infested the kitchen of our secret underground headquarters complex last summer have returned. Which is odd, because there are no sweet foodstuffs for them to eat. Obviously.

Revolutionaries! You must analyse the class forces at work! Here are some observations about ants. (1) They appear to like grated carrots. (2) They do not like cheese at all. (3) They like toothpaste, which is extremely sinister when you stop to think about it.

Once the puppies and kittens have got theirs, ants may well be next in line! Smug, industrious little sods. Remember to seal all your food in plastic containers! (Even cheese - they may not like it, but they probably walk about all over it just out of spite, and you don't want to be in hospital with food poisoning on The Glorious Day, do you?)

Operational Order #1

2005-04-24T20:30:00.000+01:00

Comrades! Put a pan of water on to boil. Take one medium onion and chop finely. When the water is boiling, add salt, add one cup of Bulgur wheat, and start frying the onion (in olive oil or, better still, puppy fat.)

Do not be timid when frying! Remember you are fanatics! Cook the onion over a high heat, until it is mostly brown and the smaller bits have gone black! Courage! While the onion and wheat cook, chop up a couple of tomatoes and a chunk of cucumber.

When the wheat is tender, drain it and add it to the onion in the frying pan (North America: 'skillet'). If you have any black-eyed beans, you can add them, but you needed to start cooking them yesterday. Do not add black-eyed beans straight from the packet - you will break your teeth.

Turn off the heat under the frying pan, and stir the onion, wheat (and optional beans) together. Tip it out onto a plate, and drop the tomato and cucumber on top. Savoury!

If you are bourgeois, pour some vinaigrette over the mixture. If you are a proletarian, use salad creme. (If you are very middle-class indeed, you can replace the Bulgur wheat in this recipe with quinoa.)

Do not follow this meal with a pudding! (It is nutritionally complete, so you do not need to.) Our spies are everywhere! Take care when using kitchen knives! The glorious day is at hand!

Communiqué #2

2005-04-23T20:10:00.000+01:00

Many people in Britain are preparing for a surprise on 6th May. They will be surprised that the surprise they were expecting will be subsumed into a far more surprising surprise. Our plans are laid. Our agents are in position. We are ready to strike. If you are a kitten, a puppy or a fruit trifle, you would be wise to flee. But there is nowhere to flee to. (So, in fact, it would not be wise at all - it would be futile.)

People of the world! You are on the brink of a new era. Soon the nightmare of endearing domestic pets and tooth-decay will be over. A more detailed communiqué will be issued when our Global Communications Director returns from the launderette.

Past Revolutionaries Pale Compared With Us

2005-04-22T16:45:00.000+01:00

Today is the 135th anniversary of the birth of Lenin. (And the 89th anniversary of the birth of Yehudi Menuhin, incidentally, although he was not a revolutionary of steely determination and utter ruthlessness like ourselves and Lenin. He was a violinist.)

No matter how clever you think Lenin was, for taking over the largest country in the world by revolution, he will pale into insignificance beside our mighty achievements (when we have achieved them). He stood outside our great revolutionary tradition - his political position on adorable household pets was indefensible. Although in the wake of the October Revolution, there was very little in the way of dessert in the Soviet Union, this was a contingent matter and not a deliberate policy. Again - indefensible! Lenin, we thumb our noses at your memory! On your birthday, too!

We told you we were extremists.

Communiqué #1

2005-04-21T08:15:00.000+01:00

Come the revolution, we will abolish bath salts, massage oils, and scented candles. If you wish to avoid the rigours of our political re-education camps, you will collect all such products from your bathroom shelves and insert them into the nearest kitten.

Debate is not permitted - we have our programme, and our armies of fanatical revolutionaries will implement it by any means necessary. Time is short. We are intransigent. Cheesecake is prohibited.

You have been warned. The day is drawing near!

Transcript of 'Thought for the Day' on BBC Radio 4.

2005-04-21T02:00:00.000+01:00

We have infiltrated the BBC. Many presenters, producers and catering staff secretly owe their allegiance to us. Coded messages are incorporated into many broadcasts. Today's was particularly important, so we reproduce a transcript for our agents world-wide, in case they overslept or radio reception was poor.

"Hello Jim, Hello Sue, hello everybody.

The other day, I had just gnawed my way out of captivity, and I escaped my pursuers by taking refuge in a charity shop. I was trying to look inconspicuous by browsing the rack of jazzy ties, when I heard a low voice which seemed to be coming from my beard. I looked down expecting not to see anything out of the ordinary, but to my surprise there was nothing out of the ordinary there. "How odd," I thought.

Nevertheless, the voice continued, a bit louder perhaps, and after listening for a moment, I was certain it was coming out of the very centre of my beard. I hoped the young lady at the counter couldn't hear it, as she usually gives me a friendly smile when she thinks no-one else is looking.

I shuffled away from the counter a bit, to a rack of duller ties, but the voice was really quite loud by now, and an old lady who had been stealing kitsch china puppies shot a disapproving look in my direction and bustled out of the shop. I glanced over to the young lady at the till, but she had her back to me, and was talking earnestly on the telephone, no doubt to some lucky young gentleman.

Apart from her, the shop was now empty, and I had no interest in the drab ties in front of me, so I started to listen to what the mystery voice was saying. By now it was absolutely booming out, and I almost thought I could detect a note of hostility in it. "Oh dearie me," I thought to myself, but continued to listen.

I was so busy trying to work out the meaning of the strange words, that I didn't notice three of the larger nursing staff coming through the door. Of course, by then it was too late to run, and I decided to go along quietly. "No point aggravating the carers," I thought. The voice from my beard continued with its mysterious message, and my hands and feet lashed out wildly as I tried to give a friendly wink to the nearest nurse, who seemed to be in no mood for pleasantries.

As usual, I was quickly overpowered, and they wrapped an overcoat round me, in a slightly impatient way, I thought. I was soon thrown into the back of an ambulance, and by the time I was back at the centre the injections had taken hold, and I couldn't concentrate on the peculiar news my beard had imparted. But life is like that sometimes - some messages are hard to comprehend at first, even if they do come from your own beard.

That's it for today, goodbye Jim, goodbye Sue, and goodbye to all of you."